An*l-eez Topical Cream

My boyfriend had been bothering me to have an*l sex with him for a few months, but he's been blessed (or cursed) with a unit that, although not very long, has the circumference of a beer can. As you can imagine, I was a little bit hesitant to sign up for that sort of torture. One night we were watching the Oxygen network when this sweet little old lady named Sue Johanson came on....she's the host of Talk Sex With Sue....she recommended a product called An*l-Eez topical cream to first timers and assured the audience that the numbing agent would make it feel more like a Nerf bat was being used instead of a Louisville Slugger (or something along those lines). MAYBE ON HER WRINKLY OLD O-RING. Let me tell you...it felt like my a** was being ripped apart...like a child at Christmas tearing open a gift he's just discovered under the tree. HEY SUE, CAN U AT LEAST RECOMMEND A GOOD INFLATABLE DONUT CUZ SITTING DOWN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION FOR ME.